Aotearoa

Thinking alot about New Zealand at the moment. Had tried to put it out of my head because it's so far away and I didn't want to spend the next 18 months already in NZ in my mind. It's important I am here fully while I am here physically. And there is so much I love about this place, so much I will miss when we are gone. And the future is fraught with uncertainty. Will it all work out? Will we all be happy ('all' being the important word in that sentence)? Will it be the best decision for everyone? I'm terrified one or both of the kids will be unhappy for some reason. And then there's Rob. His heart is in it, but for Rob that can still mean being rather a bystander. Suffering the isolation of motherhood has taught me how to seek out friendship for the sake of it. For the conversation, for the company, for the companionship. But Rob still lives in the country he grew up in, near to all his childhood and college friends, near to all his family. So like I say, he does want this, but maybe I'm afraid he doesn't truly understand what he's getting into. I try to think of the whole thing as a process, not a finished solution. If it doesn't work out, it doesn't work out; it will certainly be an experience either way. But deep down, I desperately hope that we all settle once and for all. I long for some stability, for the kids, and for us too.
Then there's the separation from the beloved grandparents. Must be very delicately handled. Chatting with my counsellor last week he mentioned that he has alot of information on loss and bereavement with regards to children and he thought it might help when the time was nearer. That made me look at it in whole new light. It will be like bereavement for them. And when you look at it from that angle, what right have I, to wrench them from this life they love, for the hope of a better one? It's a heavy, heavy decision to make as a parent. I know it could (only 'could', not 'is') be the right decision for me, but I've really no idea about the other three people I'm dragging along with me.
What finishes the indecision for me is the thought that I have to give it a try. Selfish or not, I can't go the rest of my life yearning for home (or something like it) and never give it a try. It's all we can do in anything, isn't it?

a very quiet day

well, alone at last and it seemed like a good time to get my head around this. Kids have gone to London with grandparents (overnight!) and since yesterday afternoon mind and body have been slowing down and unwinding and unravelling. Just letting myself drift around the house, pottering and dithering. I find it allows my mind to detach and I can sort of stand back and watch all the anxieties, the little knots of indecision or neurosis chatter themselves out, worry themselves down, (whatever) to a slower pace. Does your mind do that? The busier and more stressed out I become, the faster my mind dashes about trying to restore order. Anyway, enough half-baked psychology. I feel calmer, slower, better. And they're back soon though and I'm looking forward to seeing their little faces. However much they drive us up the wall sometimes, we can never, never be without them for long, can we? These mini overlords of ours. Love you loads Ell, sorry for this slow start. Maybe I tried too hard to begin with... stefx