birthday

Hippiest Happiest Hoppiest Birthday Wishes my Darling Girl (for yesterday!!).

Hoping that you had a lovely day, enjoying the Summer weather with your darling little ones. Maybe you spent the day in your garden space, picking bugs off your lettuce, or carting water bucket by bucket. Or you were in town, going to lovely cafe - and not quite being able to relax and settle into being at a cafe, cause the kids won't sit still long enough for you to think properly, and you wonder - all over again - why you actually went to a cafe. Maybe you found yourself a new skirt, or dress, or shirt, or even more exciting a new book - and you decided to spoil yourself, for once. Maybe you went to the beach, or had a picnic with your whole family.

Maybe you did nothing. You took the girl to school, stayed at home with the boy. Cleaned, cooked, washed, lay on the couch in some sort of doldrums. Picked up the girl from school, made dinner for the husband, cleaned, washed. Dropped into bed, and then got up this morning and did it all again.

I hope, whatever you did, that at least someone made you laugh and smile. Made you feel happy for a moment. That you stopped and looked up at the glorious day, listened to a bird call out to it's mate, noticed a flower poking its head up through a crack in the pavement, heard some music from another house that you actually liked, smelt the clean soft baby hair of those little ones. Got to blow out at least one candle, and have some cake - even if you did make it yourself.

Here; I was thinking of you. Sending you birthday love. Wishing that one day we would be able to slip down to a quiet river bank, or cafe, or book shop, or rockpool, or walk up a hill and settle under a big shady tree, in the soft grass. And maybe slide back down the hill, on pieces of cardboard. And maybe call out the words we might remember from our youth - from Rosalind and Celia and "what is truth, what is love, what is fear". Laugh about the fight about the barbie clothes, where you ran away. The night we lay out in your yard, on the trampoline, and watched shooting stars skim across the sky. One day would be enough - we would make do, if that's all we had, wouldn't we?!

Love you, E xxx

PS - something will be going in the post next week, hopefully.....

please check out these....

I just found this website, via another blog. Have a look.

I really like the names too - the condensation of all possibility; where I live, this is what the sky looks like; limbo; neither/both.

Also, have a look at these few things. Some of my favourites from flickr: pomstars and moons; dried pomstars; 12 leaves; they carry the sounds of wind; ...; un autre jour.; no emotion1; pears; ..... hmmm, oh golly. Just look at all my favourites! It's so easy once you start looking, to get caught into looking more and more, and there is so much beautiful, amazing, etheral, real, unreal, ..... stuff there. Wait until you have some spare moments for a bit inspiration viewing.

And I just read this. I love the way this lady writes, thought you might like it too. Entertaining, witty, sarcastic, warm, real. Have a read if you have time.

PS - how are you?

dear Stef

Just letting you know that I am thinking about you.

Have had this horrible, draining flu thing for too long now. It's just totally taken everything out of me. Combined with so much growing and constantness from life :: kids, my sewing/crafting, etc...etc....

I am currently planning to do a market stall next Friday night. This is so exciting, and scary for me. I don't have anything to sell as of yet. I spent yesterday on my own, for almost five hours of sewing. I'm so slow at sewing, and didn't achieve much. But I got a start on it.

I've been sewing some little zippered purses, and some pillow cases (for us and gifts so far). I've been thinking of sewing some free-machine stitching on lovely fabric, and making placemats and coasters. That should be easy - but will people buy them?

I really love this sewing/crafting thing. For me. I love the thought process of choosing the fabrics. I'm quite surprised at some of the combinations I pick out. Sometimes so pink. Sometimes I think a bit predicable - but maybe not, maybe just obvious to me.

I think this flu thing, the cotton wool in my head is making me think and look at things a bit differently. You know when you just sort of go along with the flow of the day - following the kids, sort of on automatic. You just have to do, and can't even think through things properly. But, sometimes it's a really great way to just do things. To not stop and analyse everything, but just to keep moving forward - towards something :: anything! And sometimes in the cotton wool fuzz, you think and understand things so clearly.

Kids are growing, changing sooooo quickly. Mishi is walking - a funny little shuffle, yet so confident and able. She understands everything that is happening around her, picking up on little moments and words and conversations. She is so cheeky, still - has a great little grin, scrunched up face. Also, she is already (well, still) a 'good girl'. She helps with packing up toys - which I know is as much her stage of wanting to put things in things, etc. She participates so much with what we do.

And, already, she is quite a demanding girl - knows her mind, and gets annoyed if she wants something that is taken from her, or not given to her. She wanders around the house now, contentedly (mostly) just busying herself with little games. She pulls clothes out of the (clean or dirty) washing baskets and wants to be dressed in crazy layers; last night she found some of Ari's undies and had to put them on over the pants. She likes to wear hats, and walks around with a little purse over her shoulder - her arm held high to keep it from slipping.

The house has been so messy for a week or so now, due to both Sam and me being zonked all the time! Piles of clean + dirty washing, piles of washing-up. Fluff piles building up in the corners of the rooms, scattering throughout all the floors. I wish I felt more energy to keep us tidy, as this mess slips or scampers or pushes into my essence, my mood is overwhelmed by too much dust. When our house is tidy I think and feel so much cleaner, crisper, better.

We are in the process of sorting out to sell our house. Heap of reasons why. It's going to be a long, slow process. I want it to happen so much quicker than it can. Before we really start any real selling process, we need to tidy and clear out all our 'stuff'. A friend told me today that she may be interested in buying our house. That's really good. Imagine if we didn't have to go through the thing of needing to have a real estate agent take their commission and us have to pay for all the advertising...... Anyway, we'll see.

Everything is so up in the air. Don't know where we want to live. Or where we will work, what we will do. Of course, we both want to be people who can work from home - but I don't see that as a reality. Maybe one day?

So, just a little catch up of a few things rambling through my mind - scattered thoughts = lines on a page.

I'll try to call you soon. Love. xxxxx

Also: do you mind if we make this blog open for other readers, or do you want it to stay private for us only?

refreshed, awoken, renewed,

I've just watched a documentary about Joni Mitchell. Making me want to listen to all her music. The stuff I know, and especially the songs I have never heard.

Heart-achingly haunting, beautiful, tender. Words, lyrics, voice, guitar. It also gave me a totally different insight into some of her music. Changed my knowledge about it.

~~~

Also :: a lot of the images/photos of her, well - they remind me a lot of Mum. Of course, when you look properly they don't look alike at all. But, fleeting moments, and glimpses, and mainly feelings of looks and impressions. Well, those are the parts that make me think and long for........ her.

~~~

It seems some days now that I "forget" to think about her, that I don't quite remember who my Mum is :: was. By "is" "was", I mean - who is she to me now? This will be the fifth year. I can't quite believe that it's really been that long. Five whole years since I "lost" my mother.

Lost her heart, her voice, her words, her smile, her scent, her hugs, her knowledge, her wisdom, her compassion, her craft, her help. Her love. Eternal love, and open-ness, acceptance, knowing. Her being.

But, I guess I just said it - her eternal love. So, of course, whenever I remember again, and think and feel, and miss, that love - well, it's right with me again. Isn't it? That's the way it works, isn't it?

~~~

As I see my babies grow so quickly, it feels like I am even more quickly loosing the time of having her here with me, with us. The days, months, years creep past, sometimes they leap and bound past. Too fast, too fast.

Yet, also, I think, as time moves on - ever moving onwards onwards closer to my real acceptance of her death. My real acceptance of her death. Yes, still, sometimes, I have moments (sometimes so fleeting, and sometimes I know that I'm tricking myself, yet sometimes so real and heartbreaking), where I cannot believe or imagine that it has happened.

~~~

That silly feeling, that silly process in my mind that tricks me to think I can still talk to her, or hear her, or touch her, or feel her, or hug her. Or ask her any silly questions. Or show her my life, and feel her pride in who I am, who my babies are. Who we can be.

~~~

Mishi awake, for milk. Thought process broken. Tears trickled. Memories refreshed, awoken, renewed.

Good night. xx

decisions :: or more thinking

This thing about schooling for my children is filling my mind lately. I so want them to go to a nourishing place - emotionally, intellectually, physically (as in, a beautiful location and environment). When I went to Ash's school last week, to pick him up from 1st grade, I felt a bit empty from the place. I know that it's only been two weeks back at school, so the classroom isn't filled with beautiful children's drawings.......But it felt so 'normal' and boring.

This thing about us wanting to move so we can go to the Steiner School at the Gold Coast is such a difficult decision. Or thought process. Right now, no decisions seem to be getting closer to being made or even approached. Sam and I don't know what steps we need to make to get to where we want.

I'm feeling a real heart-sickness. Is this because it's been raining and we don't go walking in the afternoon. Is the rain just an excuse for my laziness? This tiny, messy house is feeling so overwhelming and clostrofobic. Yet, I cannot seem to wrench myself out of this sluggishness.

I have so many thoughts :: dreams about what I want for myself, and my children, and my family. I don't want to continue this going along just because. So many times I feel like I'm just waiting things out :: not quite limbo, but something. Waiting for Mishi to walk; waiting for the rain to stop; waiting to get my energy back; waiting to clean the house (or waiting for a clean house!); waiting for Ari to go to kindy or school; or at least waiting for the routine of going to work, and having days off. Waiting. Some days we just hang out and don't "achieve"anything. I mean, some days I don't even get the washing up done, or the nappies washed, or....... We have breakfast, morning tea (about ten times), lunch, afternoon tea, then think about making dinner, then teeth brushing, then bed. This is, of course, interspersed with reading stories, laughing, drawing, baking, playing lego. But, sometimes it just seems like we are waiting for Daddy to come home.

Maybe I need to make some kind of routine - for myself, more than anything.

I still am not doing any particular amount of sewing that is making me happy, or keeping me creative. And no-where near any amount that I can forsee actually trying to start making some form of business.

Time is broken into little snippets, where I wait for Mishi to go to sleep, then I wait - knowing that she'll wake up soon, then wait for Ari to ask for something else to eat. Then the moments of my guilt at not "achieving" or having results to show for the day - the piles of washing are still there. And, have the kids had a nourishing day - yes, they ate lots, but did I nourish them emotionally, creatively, intellectually? Or did it just happen by some form of default?

Little bits of randomness that continues to scatter through my mind. Yes, sorry - seems to be so child related. Can't be helped, can it?!

Tonight I am going out for a cup of tea with a friend. A lovely lady who has a blog that I so enjoy. I introduced myself to her at the market one day. She has a three year old son, so we are wanting our boys to form a friendship. And, I so want to form a friendship with her. We were at their house this morning. I come away feeling lighter and clearer (then get home!!). Her blog is a great representation of who she is. Her little one bedroom house is so clear, clean, uncluttered. Very Japanese. I come away feeling like throwing away all our junk, our stuff, clearing out the cupboards, shelves. Clearing out my head!

(Conversly I have another friend who's house feels so overwhelming to me. A lovely house itself, but furniture everywhere, so cluttered and full of 'things'. I come home from there feeling exhausted, and glad to be home).

Maybe I should take a lesson from how I feel in these two homes, and try to realise how to make my home work better for me, and for Sam. (He has been feeling overwhelmed and exhausted lately, too).

I guesss I just made a project for myself.

seed of an idea

alfalfa + mustard seeds, soaking, ready for sprouting.

am i ready for sprouting? maybe i'm still soaking.